Saturday, May 05, 2007

My friend Dave, who I have known for a long time, and is still one of the funniest people I know, did this to one of those getting-to-know-you email surveys. This is the by far the funniest set of respones I've ever read.

1. What is your occupation?
Getting and responding to email.
2. What color are your socks right now?
My socks don't care about race; they've evolved beyond hatred.
3. What are you listening to right now?
My slacks.
4. What was the last thing you ate?
Brett Kell made me turkey burgers, and I stole some chocolate eggs.
5. Can you drive a stick shift?
How much stick can a stick shift shift?
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?Porridge.
7. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
A lovely Inuit man who calls me intermittently to ask if I got the flowers he sent me. I don't know his name.
8. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Hey, I'm not on trial here.
9. How old are you today? Acht und Zwanzig.
10. Favorite Drink?
The kind that makes people laugh at my dull-witted bar humor.
11. What is your favorite sport to watch?
F1 Grand Prix racing, because I get to wear my cleavagey Ferrari shirt.
12. Have you ever colored your hair?
Yes, but only because I was really into those "Just For Men" commercials.
13. Favorite food?
Mormon doomsday rations.
14. What was the last movie you watched?
The Monsanto Corporation Presents: "Organic Food Causes AIDS"
15. Favorite day of the year?
Hair Pie Avoidance Week, September 9-15.
1 6. What do you do to vent anger?
I live in an old house without anger vents; I have to use a window unit instead.
17. What was your favorite toy as a child?
Norman Schwartzkopf's Discipline Chair from Hasbro
18. What is your favorite season?
Fall. Because that's when Hair Pie Avoidance Week occurs, September 9-15.
19. Hugs or kisses?
This question only matters if I'm meeting someone from Europe, because I won't do either to Americans.
20. Cherries or Blueberries?
Both badly stain my dentures, so I only eat gummy bears.
21. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back?
I'd prefer it if they wrote me a letter explaining their intentions first, and then if I feel comfortable with it we could proceed with the courting process; that is, if they have my father's approval.
22. Who is most likely to respond?
Police, Fire, and County Officials
23. Who is least likely to respond?
Terry Schaivo?
24. Living arrangements?
I eat and drink things, and then I crap them out. It's a great living arrangement.
25. When was the last time you cried?
During that "Call Empire - Today!" commercial. Immediate delivery of flooring does that to me.
26. What is on the floor of your closet?
A nexus between space and time; not quite what one would describe as a cosmic string but something closer to worm-hole with an unstable event horizon.
27. Who's the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to?
28. What did you do last night?
I hung out in a sleazy bar playing pool with Nate, Justin and some Emo guys.
29. Favorite smells?
Opening a brand new box of Monopoly. It's got a great smell. If I were rich, I'd buy them like packs of cigarettes.

30. What inspires you?
Selfless acts.
31. What are you afraid of?
Losing on "Jeopardy!" because Alex Trebek can be really verbally abusive in private.
32. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers?
Spicy? Who came up with that fucking option???
33. Favorite dog breed?
I enjoy a good Dachshund. They can shake the shit out of a ferret.
34. Number of keys on your key ring?
35. How many years at your current job?
9.75 years
36. Favorite day of the week?
Whatever the sarcastic answer would be, I don't know - Monday? Help me out here.
37. How many & which states have you lived in?
One (1) -Wisconsin ( Wisconsin).
38. Favorite holiday?
I get chocolate from me Mum right around Veteran's Day.
39. Ever driven a Motorcycle or heavy machinery?
I used to drive an industrial lathe to work.
40. Who's your favorite NFL team?
The teams with the most insensitive and politically incorrect names - The Washington Redskins, The Minnesota Vikings, The New York Rabbis, and the Cincinnati Brown vs. The Board of Education (formerly the Seattle Separate/Equals)
41. Do you have a house phone that is NOT cordless?
Yes? So?
42. 10 ft of snow or 100 degree weather????
I'm counting on German engineering to somehow deliver them simultaneously.
43. What's the craziest thing you have ever done?
I've had sushi a couple of times...
44. What is your greatest accomplishment to date?
I totally did some cool things in high school that don't seem to be that relevant anymore.
45. What is one thing you would do right now if you could?
I would run a store that sold cigars and very expensive pens. Men would come over to drink cognac in the walk-in humidor and it would be fun, until some misfit inner-city kids challenge our conservative, by-the-book notions and teach us how to love again.
46. What is something you are looking forward to?
Apparently purchasing some babies for Reaca.
47. Give me some good news!Turkey has maintained a secular government in spite of pressure from conservative Muslim clerics! Hooray! Plus I'm free of STDs!

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